There is a magic in the air as Christmas draws achingly closer. Every year its the same with me, I don't sleep until Christmas Day, around noon. I have always been excitable when it comes to the Holidays whether it was Halloween Christmas or July 4th, I always get all chipper and excited. I think its because I since a time when family gets together or when friends gather to have fun. One doesn't get the chance to do this often.So as I sit here in my bedroom, ignoring my family I cant help but smile sardonically. I love the holidays and I LOVE my family....But sometimes its just to much having to put them together. Take for instance our family tradition of a Christmas Eve party with my dads side of the family. For as long as I could remember we had this tradition we would always go over to my grandmothers apartment and stuff the whole family into the tiny apartment and have copious amounts of fun. After my grandmother died we have been having it at my Aunts house out in the country, but we still have it. Then on Christmas Day, we go over to my Grandmothers house on my Moms side of the family. This house is filled to the brim with the most redneck type of people you could ever find. My mom has two older brothers and two younger brothers, she is the only girl. Then there is my cousins...all 56 of them..Shocked...not nearly as I was when the final figure came in. My Uncles have all been married (or not) so many times that they have breded to many children. Then there are the distant cousins...Now my cousin Heather married this nice Hispanic man and has 4 children and one on the way....My cousin Kim has 6 children and is married to a nice Black man. Then their is my cousin Chris whom has a 8 month son. And the list goes on...Anyways besides family there is the friends of the family...A large Hispanic family that we love dearly, Two African American families whom we love dearly, My Uncle Dewayne's newest girlfriend and her family, and so on...So I usually try to avoid staying for too long. One, because I hate two members of that family, and Two, because I am not a fan of large crowd.
I would rather spend my Christmas Day hidden away at home with my immediate family. But whatever...The saddest thing about this year is that my church has pushed back the time of the Christmas Eve Service. To 10pm at night. I will be out in the country at that time, then after that I will be going to pick up my sister from work, then I have to bake cookies, and play SANTA for my niece lol, I love that part...Well I gotta go...I have forgotten some gifts and need to run to the store...Sigh...heaven help me .....MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!
Sigh...The Holidays! Oh, How I love Thanksgiving and Christmas time! Joy oh Joy...It actually snowed a little on Monday the First of December, I was so shocked and happy that I couldn't contain myself and actually jumped for joy! Living on the Tennessee/Alabama border usually means we don't get a lot of snow here. One year we had this really bad ice storm though. It broke windows, shut down the power and left us freezing and all on Christmas. I think that was the best Christmas we ever had here lol... It was soo great we where cut down to basics, the whole family huddled together trying to get warm, laughing, telling jokes, watching as my dad caught the Garage on fire. lol Ok, let me tell you about it:
It was Christmas Eve it had been storming all day and hale was hitting us hard. We had the TV on the weather channel most of the time, we played Monopoly, Clue and Scrabble as we waited to see how bad it was going to be when evening came. I was in awe at the time because it was freaking weird hearing thunder and seeing lightning lashes during December. So we decided to prepare just in case the power went out or something. Candles, Flash lights, lighters, and our trusty AM/FM radio... By 6pm the storm was reaching a new high even for us. We had warm soup on the stove, Homemade soup, mind you.
So as only could be expected the power went out with a huge BOOM! As our Transformer was fried. It was one thing for it to be fried, the hale fell harder and we lit candles, turned on flashlights, and made fun of our father as he hit his head trying to open the door to look outside. The storm grew worse, my mother gave us comfort by saying in her all knowing voice..."Watch your father get electrocuted." My mother always knows how to boost the moral of a group of people,God bless her. So as the clock hit 8pm, with soup in our stomaches and gathered in a huge mass of blankets and pillows in the living room in front of the Christmas tree, we fell asleep. We woke with a huge crash around 9:30pm. The window had been crushed, wind blew icy rain and hale into the house as we scrambled to patch the window. Now we had and draft and the winter weather was now more pronounced. So we ran to our rooms to put on layers of clothes, socks and shoes. Just in case....So we spent the next two hours freezing, trying to sleep and playing who can annoy Dad the fastest.
My dad soon became very tired of us picking and annoying him so he did what any man would do and made things worse. Down in our Garage sat a charcoal grill, on a shelf next to that grill was gasoline, and one of those long lighters. My father was never good in Science or math decided in his most authoritative voice.." I will make a fire to warm us up...I will put the grill on the steps (there was steps that lead up from the garage, they where old, they where wood) and I will be the hero of this Christmas!" Me, and my two eldest siblings looked at each other and the unanimously decided that moving away to the door leading out of the house would be a smart idea. We where right.
My mother followed my father, I will be darned if we didn't here cussing and shouting a 10 min. latter. I know my readers are smart so when I said that there was Gasoline+lighter+grill+wood stairs= a huge mess. We scrambled to open windows and doors, the garage door as well. We ran for watter as a huge fire blazed in the Garage. A while latter we sat coughing in the living room staring at my father as if he had lost his mind. It started with mom, we heard her snickering, then my brother, myself burst out into hysterical laughter my sister and dad following.
We realized latter that we where still shivering to death, the window was still busted, the garage still smelled like smoke and we where going to sick if we didn't get warm soon. So my father told us to get some things, we locked the doors and went to where my father works. There was a boiler room in the back building, which is where my father lead us to sleep. Shockingly we got a few ours of sleep, by the time the sun came up we where a little grumpy but still amused non-the-less. We went drove around a good part of the morning before going home...Our Christmas was delayed until the power was cut back on. Though that Christmas was the best one we had ever had in my opinion.
I think it doesn't matter where you are during this time of year, nor is it the presents you receive, Its who you are with that matters the most. I just loved the fact that I was with my family, that we where together on the day that means alot to myself and billions of other individuals. I think no matter what religion you are, no matter how you celebrate the day, what matters is what you gain from the people you are with and what they leave in your heart. So as we enter into this December, remember your loved ones that are no longer with you, the sick, poor and needy, think about how much you already have in your life, the freedom you have and the good days you have. Spread the love and the joy this time of year comes with. Hug your fellow shoppers, visit those elderly family members with smiles on your faces, give your worse enemy a big smile, a warm hug, and a seasons greetings. Let all the hate you have inside of yourself go and embrace the love that you have inside of yourself! Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanuka! Feliz Navidad! Happy Kwanzaa! and so on!
I have been busy for the last couple of days what with the making of my Christmas list and deciding what pies to make for Thanksgiving. Oh, and coordinating me and the girls(Mom,Sister, Aunts and et cetera) battle plan for the day after Thanksgiving Sale. So it was during one of these meetings when I was accosted by the girls. I had just opened my mouth to talk about bringing some pepper spray and brass knuckles when my mom interrupted me. "Honey" she had said with a smile so sweet it would make a bag of sugar rott, "I think you and your dad need to talk out this whole mess. I mean you havent talked to each other for quite a while now and the silence is making me want to kill you both." Ah, Good old mom. I had sighed at the look on ALL of the female members of my family's faces. It was the ultimatum of a life time. Work it out or else. Now I found this extremly unfair. I mean for Gods sake my dad is always doing something like this, and have I ever spoke up or fought back? NO! The one time I do and they want me to play nice. So they wanted me to talk out my problems with dad huh? Wanted me to bury the hatchet. And many other annoying terms. So I said I would think about it. Oh heaven help me....Over the next few days I would say a few words to him and he would return the favor. We both came to a silent agreement that we should ignore the whole damn fight. Like always in our family, noone ever appologizes unless your on your death bed and even then its not until the final second.
Unfortunatly right when we got to the point of forgetting the whole damnable thing, my mother brings it up and then abandones me with my idiot of a father by sending us out...together on a getting dinner for the family. Sigh....you ever have one of those moments when you just want to forget all of the rules and take a pillow and beat the living daylights out of someone, yeah my mom was lucky that she had to answer the phone..lol....ok so the talk....
Our conversation as always started with a few words....until I asked him the big one..."Why?" the Why was filled with a billion questions. I didnt know if this talk was going to turn into another big time fight or if we might actually communicate with out someones voice going out or property damage being made.
He didnt want to even say anything, I just nodded my head as if I had the answers to the universe and stewed. Now a Southern Woman stewing is never a good thing. I know I have seen my Moma, Sister, Aunts, Grandmothers, Friends and hell even quite a few teachers, stew... I felt this sudden burst of courage and I knew It was time for this pot to spew....
I let it all out...24 years of repressed emotions, pain, annoyances, anger...I let it all out...I asked him if he hadnt wanted more then two children why didnt he just have mom get an abortion, or why he didnt just leave and only ask to see my older siblings. I asked him why he never protected me like he did my sister, why did he always ignore me, why did he never give me a chance to do anything, Why I screamed...WHY! .....My father was more suprise then anything.....
We picked up dinner with me ignoring him and he was trying to talk to me....I just didnt want to hear it...I needed time to calm down. Time to repress all of those emotions that I had brought forth...I prayed that night, I cried and I prayed and read my bible over and over again. I didnt sleep I didnt come out of my room.Soon my emotions where buried and covered up again like they always where and I went back to ignoring my father, I ignored him and focused on my mom and my neice.
Over the weekend I had woken up late and when I came out of my room to get some coffee I realized with a dawning horror that it was just me and my father in the house... I got my coffee, got the paper, and sat and ignored the fact that he was staring at me across the room. I didnt want anything to do with him.
"I wanted you to be strong." he had said startiling me some.." I didnt want you to wind up like your sister, so dependant on me to bail her out of trouble all the time, always wanting me to protect her..." I cut him off there
"No, you failed. What you did dad was make me turn to my brother to be the male role model in my life, it was up to him and one or two male teachers that I knew growing up to be those role models that you gave her but never gave me. You always stood up for her you always protected her, you where always there for her. Never for me.."
He said something along the lines of the fact that he wanted me to have my own independence to learn to fight back.I told him that I was and always would be independent mom taught me the best ways to fight a grown man off of me after being attacked, Mom taught me about how weak men truly where and how easy it was to fight them back, my mother who grew up in an abusive home being beaten yet always got back up, living with two older brothers and two younger and a step father, had to get advice and female counciling not from her own mother who took pleasure in beating the hell out of her for no reason what so ever, but to neighbors and elders in the neighborhood, Mom had taught me to fight like hell for the life I wanted and though I have stumble alot and I have failed I still keep trying like she has. I told him I didnt know why mom didnt divorce him why she had the chance, since he cared about her a much as he did me. I stood from the table and made my way into the other area. I told him that he has nearly destroye me and my mom, my brother doesnt want anything to do with us and my sister is about a cenimeter away from going to prison. Look at this family dad, and show me where you made the Right decisions about anything..
Oh I knew what I had said had hurt him badly, but I didnt care....That was until he started crying...from there we talked and we talked and we talked some more. When mom came home with the others we ignored them and continued talking. I was still annoyed and angry but we had made some progress.
So my dad has been a little bit more tolerable towards me and my mom....He yelled at my sister and then had a loooonnng talk with her about her life....I dont know if she will straighten up or not but I hope to God she will.... My brother still doesnt call often or visit....but I am working on that by myself....My big brother is acting like a 5year old, that needs a time out...and I thinks its his girlfriend whom is 26 years older then him that is a problem. Yea....I thinks its time to get him away from that brain washing bitch.
So thats the end of my rant for today...Thanks for reading this annoying thing and Hopefullly I will add something with actuall opinions an values one of these days....Thanks!
Crisp, white glistening snow. Brittle cold wind howling through the naked trees. A midnight sky sparkling with diamonds we have named stars.Roaring fireplaces, soft music and warm drinks. Warm homes and quilted blankets covering sleeping forms that sleep as the snow falls. The animals and most people are sleeping, it is after midnight after all. The sound of feet crunching in the snow feels the air as I walk into the back yard and enjoy the silence of the night. This is my happy place, the place where all of my thoughts come together, a place where no evil, sadness or bitterness lives. The world is calm and I am calm. The lights of my home are all dashed and the house is silent. Snow falls and lands in my long black hair and I close my eyes and embrace the the newly fallen snow as it falls. This is paradise, this is heaven, this is my walk in the snow...
Surrounding my little home is a thicket of woods with a path that leads through them. The path is covered in snow now, the trees once covered in lush greens are barren and seem frightening yet I ignore them and start moving toward the path.I have no light and no lights in the home to guide me, I only have the moon and the stars as my guide. I take slow steps, I am in no hurry, no dates to keep or people to see. I smile as the wind blows and the snow swirls around in the air, I am not worried about where I go or how long I am gone. I white rabbit dashes across the path and into the opposite side of the woods, I ignore him, he returns the favor. I want and need this solitude, this is my walk in the snow....
Not much further into the woods and I know I will come across a large open area. In the spring and summer this area is a field of wild flowers and lush green grass. Now it is a blinding white field of snow, untouched, unmarred by the grace of humans. Do I enter and destroy the settled peace of the snow? Or do I just stand at its edge and marvel at it pristine glow? I think I will stand on the edge, and look to the heavens again. Why? Why do I look toward the sky? What do I seek? Nothing. Only for the world to feel the peace that I feel now...I feel the peace just by walking in the snow...
It is here that I weep. I cry and I sob. I am shaking not from the cold or the snow or even the peace I feel but for the war that rages inside me now. I cry and I sob because others can not. Even through all of this, the pristine glow of the snow does not fade, the stars do not stop sparkling. I take one last look at the snow and the sky, and I walk home. Walking in the snow.....
You know I love that song Per Te by Josh Groban. Its calming and makes you relax. Lovely... After the past few weeks that I have had I think I should just listen to it all of the damn time. Today, I did something I thought I would never do.....I fought my father.. I fought back, I yelled, I screamed and I told him to get the hell out of our house...And when he threatened me I cut him off saying "Or you'll do what?" I was scared out of my wits but I did it.Im 24 years old my father is a dangerous man, he is stronger then I am and mean as a damn snake. But I was not going to take his mental abuse any more. I was not going to let my niece live in the same nightmare that I had to NO! He said that he wasnt going to take any more of my back talk to him that I had been doing to him over the years....So I screamed at him "IM 24 YEARS OLD I DONT CARE!!!" I think I should have just moved out when my brother did, it would have saved me a lot of pain. Hell when my Dad broke my Brothers nose, I should have moved in with my Aunt. And to think my mom had to marry the bastard.
Halloween was the best night for me, I raised a toast to the dead, watched scary movies and handed out candy dressed as horror movie extra lol. Then my dad...Who is apposed of all things traditional or holiday oriented, came home. I ignored him...he through a fit...I still ignored him..lol he stormed off to bed...I think that the fight that we had had been building over the years.Year after year of him tormenting my mother, stealing from me and my brother and so on....Yes my this had been coming. And I was damn proud of my self for the fight...For years of my life He has kept me under his thumb....I couldn't go to my friends birthday parties, I couldn't have nor attend sleepovers, I couldn't be in plays, I couldn't have a boyfriend, I couldn't state my opinion..."Girls opinions do not matters so be silent." or "I don't care if the boy did attack you, you should have knocked him out...(I was in the 5th grade).." and so on....I will not stand for it anymore!!!!!!!
So here I am...all pent up anger typing it out onto this Blog...It makes me feel a little better...But I think if my mother hadn't have stopped me, beating him up with my baseball bat would have helped as well...I would be in jail but I think I would be smiling my damn head off. I tell you one thing as soon as I get enough money saved up I am soooo fucking out of here...Ok I know I am cussing alot but when I am mad like this I dont care....as I was saying, my job fell through and I am working my way through school so its going to take a miracle but dammit If I am not out of this nightmare by the end of next year I dont know what I am going to do but it aint going to be pretty!!
So my 24th birthday is this coming Tuesday. Every time one of my family members birthday landed during the week we would celebrate the weekend before or after considering how close the birthday was to the weekend before or after.This was supposed to be my weekend. I was happy and excited, I should have realized that it was going to be fucked up. It started Friday afternoon. My dad decided to be a jerk and yell at my mom and started fighting. He ignored me, made fun of me the usual really. Then today, I awoke happy, having a homemade breakfast in bed will do that to you...compliments of my mom. The day went down hill from there. My father made this day horrible for me. He called me a names, my mom names. Laughed and made fun of me. He took my seat and made sure I had no where to sit in the living room, He ended it by telling my mom he dosnt love her and wants a divorce..yea...good times.(sarcasm)...so here I am in my room...crying my eyes out AGAIN because of him...he was so cruel toward her...and me....God what is wrong with him?? I dont know anymore....I decided to stay away from him and church for awhile....God help me.
So my friend contacted me today and told me she was living in a homeless shelter...I was shocked beyond belief! This was my best friend that I have known for 13 years of my life! And now she is living in a homeless shelter...My first thought was to ask if she was ok and what had happened...I wont go into details about it...But I was hurt that she didnt contact me and ask me to help. I would have done everything in my power to get her and her family into a home. This whole thing made me realized that I have been worrying so much about my own life that I forgot about the others that I care about. Friends and Family that I have been neglecting.So what do I do?
The first thing I did after talking with my friend was to get in contact with all of my other friends and check up on them. Tomorrow I am going to contact all the people that I can to help my friend's husband find a job and check and see if I cant help them with anything else they need..clothes...food....and so on. My church has a food basket program and Im thinking I can ask for donations to help them get an apartment or what ever I can.. I will pray harder for them all as well....they really do need it. I was so busy last week and over the weekend... I still feel guilty...I could have done something anything...to stop what had happened to her and her family...It just goes to show you that you never know when someone close to you needs your help until its too late...
Ladykind
So I was talking to my father the other day when he told me I was going to hell...Lovely man isnt he? All I said was that everyone was entitled to believe in what ever they want, to be free to make there own choices, and that I wasn't going to judge someone just because they where gay or a different race or anything like that. So my father sneered at me and said...and I quote "You should't speak to me like that! I am your father and if I say for you to jump you are to do what I say, I don't care how old you are. You should repent to God, even though its to late for you. You will be in hell for the way you think" I was suprised that my father would go that far, not overly suprised, but surprised non the less. So my father is a sexist, biggitist,racist and facist. I will still go to church and worship God, but I will not take part in praying near my father, if I am talking about church,God, women or anthing of the like I will stop talking when he enters the room. My mother told him that he had gone to far, that he was beging to push me away. My fathers response was that he didnt care that he was my father and that I should think the way he thinks. My mother smaked him, and I laughed. My father is not a violent man but he can break your soul and heart with words. He has always been like that really. He went from being a gambler to being a control freak about everything else...I hate to say it but I dont like him at all.
My mother told me to forgive and forget, I told my mother no. After all I have turned the other cheek to many times to count and I will not turn the cheek again. Trying to talk in my family is hard enough, breaking down and not speaking about what the conversation is about means that I hardly talk to my family at all now. Sad, but true.. Unfortunatley I made the promise of going to my parents church this comming Sunday...now I am dreading it....I think I will find a new church and start going there instead. I do not like our current church, ther snobbish and cruel...also completly white excluding my family. We are all American Indian, well at least half. My father is a very dark man, so is my brother but my sister, mom and I are all lighter then those two. lol...we look wierd. We have alot of spanish friends and hang around with them so the natural assumption is that we are mexican or cuban...nope! I dont know a word of spanish. I know some french and Italian. and even a little Chinease but no mexican.
But I am off subject....So it appears that I am going to hell....Ok then...If I am already destined to go to hell, then my father must be on there mvp list.lol....I am 23 still a virgin, I dont believe is sex before marriage, I dont drink or do drugs, and I have never been in trouble with the police or Government. If I am going to hell though it would stand to reason that I should just go crazy and break every rule I can get my hands on to does it not?But I wont...my mother raised me to damn well. It dosnt mean I wont cuss, or anything It just means that I will be more loose with the rules then I used to be....after all if I am going to hell, might as well do something to deserve being there in the first place huh?
Grieving for your life...
I really dont understand why some psychiatrist or parents tell people to "Suck it up" "Life is hard, get over it" and "Stop being such a baby". It seems cruel to tell people those things. I do not think that people realize that not everyone is living there dream life, not everyone has that certain car, certain house, certain husband/wife. Not everyone has all of the money in the world, not every one is happy. I was sitting here at my computer when I started crying. I don't know why I was, I just started to cry and I felt a little bit better after I did.
So I think I was Grieving over my Life. Sounds wierd doesn't it? I am going to College,yes, but I am putting myself into debt by doing so. I had a horrid childhood, my family never had enough money and we where constantly moving from home to home. My dad was a gambler and my mom worked as hard as she could to support 3 kids and a husband that gambled away his check every week. I was always in my sisters shadow and my father hated me, I was the last born, a realy big surprise for my father, he already had a daughter, he had a son...he didnt need nore want a second daughter, that he made clear to me at a young age.
So I never had a father figure, so I looked up to my brother. But when my brother started playing baseball and football...I was once again left in the shadows. I knew my brother hated our dad as well, but when my father started to pay attention, praise and be there for my brother, my brother soaked it up like a sponge.
I know I could have had it worse, there are those that do, I am just Grieving for my life. I had no friends in school. Not until 8th grade did I have a friend. I was bullied, teased, and even pushed down a flight of concrete stairs that had me in knee braces for a month and a half. Noone had cared that I could have crushed my head, or that I could have been seriously hurt...no...they had laughed. So I weep, and Grieve for my life.
I think what really hurts the most about life is that no matter what you do, say, or look like, someone will always make fun of you, hurt you and unltimatley trie an destroy and break you. I Grieve for my life.
I tried to move on, millions of times, still missing what others had, friends, happiness, understanding, someone that would hold me and say its alright. I never had that and I watched others who did. I felt angry because all of these mean horrible, selfish, ignorant people that taunted me, hurt me, and tried to break me people, these children and adults had someone who loved them and hugged them and was there for them...So I grieve.....
They say "Leave the past behind you" but what if you are constantly reminded of the past? What about when your past pushes its way in front of you and says "Remember me!!" ? What happened when people said "Know your history so you wont repeat it" I think they where talking about more than just your next history test...I know that my life could have been better, it could have been the way I wanted it to be, but it wasn't, and I don't have the technology to go back in time and tell myself things I wish I had known. I wish I could tell myself to be more independent, to focus on my dreams and forget others, to hold my head up high and say the hell to what others think, I wish I could tell myself to stay away from my ex-boyfriend, that the guy with the glasses and spikey black hair liked me, that I should drop Home Economics and instead take English Honors, to not listen to my father and always listen to my mother, to hug my brother more often and encourage him more than anyone else, to spend as much time with Granny before it was too late, to visit my cousins more and offer them a home if they ever need it, to smile and take life slower, to be as happy as I can.....to live. So I grieve....
I weep and grieve over my life and what it could have been, tonight I shall cry myself to sleep. Tommrow I shall try again and work my way back up, start on a new life, one that I can change. Tell myself to slow down, to grow up yet keep my childishness, to work harder and study more, yet smell the roses and play with my niece. I will wake up and put a little bit more faith in the world, hope more, pray more, love more....and even Forgive more. I will wake up tommrow and I will thank the heavens that I am alive, that I have a home, food and clothes. I will work harder to be more enviormental, to plant more trees and plants. I will work harder to smile and enjoy the little things. I will give hugs even though I may not get one back. I will call up my elders and spend hours talking with them because I know that they are lonely. I will tell jokes and make my family smile. I will go to work and be a better employee. I will go to class's and be the best student I know I can be. I will be more, I will be stronger, I will be happy I will LIVE! But tonight....tonight I Grieve.
Thank you,
Ladykind
