Well its been a little while since I last wrote hasn't it. Thinks have been complicated around here very complicated. For starters I have been busy with school work, working at my job, my father went into the hospital and I was told today that he was going to die....Yep, its been rather eventful. After everything that my father has put us through I didnt really know how to feel about the news. They said that he could die if his body rejects some injections he will be given soon. I was just...I dont know...I was like "Huh, ok." and that was it ....no sadness, no happiness, no shock, no heartbreaking sobs....nothing. Does it make me cold? Probably. Will I go to his funeral if he does die? No. I have already thought about all of these things for a long time now, I havent slept since he was admitted though. My sister is being a bitch, my mother is worrie, my brother and I just dont care...so it seems that to some of us my father died a long time ago. So I talked to one of my friends about it and I have to say that I feel a little lost. I havent visited him, I hate hospitals with so much loathing that you couldnt get me into one if I my self was dieing. So here I am. Writing all of this crap out hoping to have some kind of clarity or inspiration for how I should deal with all of this. My father has been abusive and ignorant and mentaly psychotic to our family, yet some think I should weep and pray and beg for him to come out of it......I dont think I will.
When my grandmother died I was in a shock. I loved her dearly, she was funny, sarcastic and loving. Then suddenly the cancer hit and she was dieing slowly and painfully. I didnt say a word, I didnt cry. I stayed numb, I supported my family, I cried for an hour in the shower and tried to commit suicide a few weeks later, noone had known. My grandmother had been a tall and strong woman. I thought she was invincable for a long time. She had survived two extremly abusive husbands that beat her sensless and raped my aunt....Yea, she was my idol. She never gave up she never stopped fighting, even as she was dieing in a hospital bed, she was still making jokes right before she passed on. Our family has dozens of skelentons hiding in the closets, and I know every single one of them and how they have effected my family. My father was the only boy of his family and hadnt been beaten or touched at all, he had been spoiled rotten, while his sisters and mother had suffered. Now he could die and I feel no remorse. No pain. Nothing...and to tell you the truth I am more pissed off then I thought I would be about this whole damn thing not that my father is dieing. I am pissed because everyone is making him out as som martyr, even my Aunts. "Oh he has been through alot" "Poor man, I will prey for him" I bite my tongue so hard that it draws blood and rage courses though me I want to hit them, tell them he deserves nothing! But I wont. It would be wrong and inappropriate. Tch.....how many lies has that bastard told them over the years, how often has he called or visited them when they where sick! None...
When his own mother had been injured severly I was the one there taking care of her. I cleaned for her, cooked for her, bathed her, dressd her, stayed with her and I did so happily and with our complaint. He never said a word. Bastard!!!!!! God help him if he does die...I will show nothing at all. I will probably be happy more than sad for in the end our family might just start being a family.
I am tormented right now. I should feel sad, I should feel scared and I cant feel anything at all and that frightens me more than anything else I suppose. Well I go to hell for these feelings? Am I wrong? I just dont know anymore. I just dont know!!!
