1 post tagged “blog”

Grieving for your life...

I really dont understand why some psychiatrist or parents tell people to "Suck it up" "Life is hard, get over it" and "Stop being such a baby". It seems cruel to tell people those things. I do not think that people realize that not everyone is living there dream life, not everyone has that certain car, certain house, certain husband/wife. Not everyone has all of the money in the world, not every one is happy. I was sitting here at my computer when I started crying. I don't know why I was, I just started to cry and I felt a little bit better after I did.

So I think I was Grieving over my Life. Sounds wierd doesn't it? I am going to College,yes, but I am putting myself into debt by doing so. I had a horrid childhood, my family never had enough money and we where constantly moving from home to home. My dad was a gambler and my mom worked as hard as she could to support 3 kids and a husband that gambled away his check every week. I was always in my sisters shadow and my father hated me, I was the last born, a realy big surprise for my father, he already had a daughter, he had a son...he didnt need nore want a second daughter, that he made clear to me at a young age.

So I never had a father figure, so I looked up to my brother. But when my brother started playing baseball and football...I was once again left in the shadows. I knew my brother hated our dad as well, but when my father started to pay attention, praise and be there for my brother, my brother soaked it up like a sponge.

I know I could have had it worse, there are those that do, I am just Grieving for my life. I had no friends in school. Not until 8th grade did I have a friend. I was bullied, teased, and even pushed down a flight of concrete stairs that had me in knee braces for a month and a half. Noone had cared that I could have crushed my head, or that I could have been seriously hurt...no...they had laughed. So I weep, and Grieve for my life.

I think what really hurts the most about life is that no matter what you do, say, or look like, someone will always make fun of you, hurt you and unltimatley trie an destroy and break you. I Grieve for my life.

I tried to move on, millions of times, still missing what others had, friends, happiness, understanding, someone that would hold me and say its alright. I never had that and I watched others who did. I felt angry because all of these mean horrible, selfish, ignorant people that taunted me, hurt me, and tried to break me people, these children and adults had someone who loved them and hugged them and was there for them...So I grieve.....

They say "Leave the past behind you" but what if you are constantly reminded of the past? What about when your past pushes its way in front of you and says "Remember me!!" ? What happened when people said "Know your history so you wont repeat it" I think they where talking about more than just your next history test...I know that my life  could have been better, it could have been the way I wanted it to be, but it wasn't, and I don't have the technology to go back in time and tell myself things I wish I had known. I wish I could tell myself to be more independent, to focus on my dreams and forget others, to hold my head up high and say the hell to what others think, I wish I could tell myself to stay away from my ex-boyfriend, that the guy with the glasses and spikey black hair liked me, that I should drop Home Economics and instead take English Honors, to not listen to my father and always listen to my mother, to hug my brother more often and encourage him more than anyone else, to spend as much time with Granny before it was too late, to visit my cousins more and offer them a home if they ever need it, to smile and take life slower, to be as happy as I can.....to live. So I grieve....

I weep and grieve over my life and what it could have been, tonight I shall cry myself to sleep. Tommrow I shall try again and work my way back up, start on a new life, one that I can change. Tell myself to slow down, to grow up yet keep my childishness, to work harder and study more, yet smell the roses and play with my niece. I will wake up and put a little bit more faith in the world, hope more, pray more, love more....and even Forgive more. I will wake up tommrow and I  will thank the heavens that I am alive, that I have a home, food and clothes. I will work harder to be more enviormental, to plant more trees and plants. I will work harder to smile and enjoy the little things. I will give hugs even though I may not get one back. I will call up my elders and spend hours talking with them because I know that they are lonely. I will tell jokes and make my family smile. I will go to work and be a better employee. I will go to class's and be the best student I know I can be. I will be more, I will be stronger, I will be happy I will LIVE! But tonight....tonight I Grieve.

Thank you,

Ladykind