1 post tagged “the talk”
I have been busy for the last couple of days what with the making of my Christmas list and deciding what pies to make for Thanksgiving. Oh, and coordinating me and the girls(Mom,Sister, Aunts and et cetera) battle plan for the day after Thanksgiving Sale. So it was during one of these meetings when I was accosted by the girls. I had just opened my mouth to talk about bringing some pepper spray and brass knuckles when my mom interrupted me. "Honey" she had said with a smile so sweet it would make a bag of sugar rott, "I think you and your dad need to talk out this whole mess. I mean you havent talked to each other for quite a while now and the silence is making me want to kill you both." Ah, Good old mom. I had sighed at the look on ALL of the female members of my family's faces. It was the ultimatum of a life time. Work it out or else. Now I found this extremly unfair. I mean for Gods sake my dad is always doing something like this, and have I ever spoke up or fought back? NO! The one time I do and they want me to play nice. So they wanted me to talk out my problems with dad huh? Wanted me to bury the hatchet. And many other annoying terms. So I said I would think about it. Oh heaven help me....Over the next few days I would say a few words to him and he would return the favor. We both came to a silent agreement that we should ignore the whole damn fight. Like always in our family, noone ever appologizes unless your on your death bed and even then its not until the final second.
Unfortunatly right when we got to the point of forgetting the whole damnable thing, my mother brings it up and then abandones me with my idiot of a father by sending us out...together on a getting dinner for the family. Sigh....you ever have one of those moments when you just want to forget all of the rules and take a pillow and beat the living daylights out of someone, yeah my mom was lucky that she had to answer the phone..lol....ok so the talk....
Our conversation as always started with a few words....until I asked him the big one..."Why?" the Why was filled with a billion questions. I didnt know if this talk was going to turn into another big time fight or if we might actually communicate with out someones voice going out or property damage being made.
He didnt want to even say anything, I just nodded my head as if I had the answers to the universe and stewed. Now a Southern Woman stewing is never a good thing. I know I have seen my Moma, Sister, Aunts, Grandmothers, Friends and hell even quite a few teachers, stew... I felt this sudden burst of courage and I knew It was time for this pot to spew....
I let it all out...24 years of repressed emotions, pain, annoyances, anger...I let it all out...I asked him if he hadnt wanted more then two children why didnt he just have mom get an abortion, or why he didnt just leave and only ask to see my older siblings. I asked him why he never protected me like he did my sister, why did he always ignore me, why did he never give me a chance to do anything, Why I screamed...WHY! .....My father was more suprise then anything.....
We picked up dinner with me ignoring him and he was trying to talk to me....I just didnt want to hear it...I needed time to calm down. Time to repress all of those emotions that I had brought forth...I prayed that night, I cried and I prayed and read my bible over and over again. I didnt sleep I didnt come out of my room.Soon my emotions where buried and covered up again like they always where and I went back to ignoring my father, I ignored him and focused on my mom and my neice.
Over the weekend I had woken up late and when I came out of my room to get some coffee I realized with a dawning horror that it was just me and my father in the house... I got my coffee, got the paper, and sat and ignored the fact that he was staring at me across the room. I didnt want anything to do with him.
"I wanted you to be strong." he had said startiling me some.." I didnt want you to wind up like your sister, so dependant on me to bail her out of trouble all the time, always wanting me to protect her..." I cut him off there
"No, you failed. What you did dad was make me turn to my brother to be the male role model in my life, it was up to him and one or two male teachers that I knew growing up to be those role models that you gave her but never gave me. You always stood up for her you always protected her, you where always there for her. Never for me.."
He said something along the lines of the fact that he wanted me to have my own independence to learn to fight back.I told him that I was and always would be independent mom taught me the best ways to fight a grown man off of me after being attacked, Mom taught me about how weak men truly where and how easy it was to fight them back, my mother who grew up in an abusive home being beaten yet always got back up, living with two older brothers and two younger and a step father, had to get advice and female counciling not from her own mother who took pleasure in beating the hell out of her for no reason what so ever, but to neighbors and elders in the neighborhood, Mom had taught me to fight like hell for the life I wanted and though I have stumble alot and I have failed I still keep trying like she has. I told him I didnt know why mom didnt divorce him why she had the chance, since he cared about her a much as he did me. I stood from the table and made my way into the other area. I told him that he has nearly destroye me and my mom, my brother doesnt want anything to do with us and my sister is about a cenimeter away from going to prison. Look at this family dad, and show me where you made the Right decisions about anything..
Oh I knew what I had said had hurt him badly, but I didnt care....That was until he started crying...from there we talked and we talked and we talked some more. When mom came home with the others we ignored them and continued talking. I was still annoyed and angry but we had made some progress.
So my dad has been a little bit more tolerable towards me and my mom....He yelled at my sister and then had a loooonnng talk with her about her life....I dont know if she will straighten up or not but I hope to God she will.... My brother still doesnt call often or visit....but I am working on that by myself....My big brother is acting like a 5year old, that needs a time out...and I thinks its his girlfriend whom is 26 years older then him that is a problem. Yea....I thinks its time to get him away from that brain washing bitch.
So thats the end of my rant for today...Thanks for reading this annoying thing and Hopefullly I will add something with actuall opinions an values one of these days....Thanks!
